Dealing With
Your Anger
Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yes, they were
misbehaving but I feel
bad about getting angry with them.
Children stir up powerful feelings, including
anger, and you are not
alone in getting mad.
Nonetheless, adult anger is very scary for little
children, and it can
start a parent down the slippery slope of
emotional or even physical
abuse. Plus it’s a kind of affliction upon the
parent herself: it feels
terrible and makes us feel guilty.
So here’s what you can do:
o Accept your feelings – Anger is normal. Take the
middle path between
the two pitfalls of suppressing anger or just
dumping it on your kids by
allowing yourself to feel your anger but also
contain it appropriately.
o Lower your stress – Our own stress or depletion
can easily spill over
onto the kids, so take steps to handle these
factors. It’s a fact that
our book – Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to
Health in Body, Mind, and
Intimate Relationships – is the best resource on
the market for this,
and we highly recommend it!
o Understand yourself - By understanding your
anger you can insert
self-control into processes that are currently
unconscious and
automatic. Notice what especially triggers your
anger; there’s a good
chance there is something there rooted in your own
childhood, or in your
relationship with your partner, or in your
feelings about your overall
situation.
o Relax your body – It’s nearly impossible to be
seriously upset when
the body is relaxed. Take some big breaths, leave
the situation for a
moment if you can, splash some soothing warm water
on your face, imagine
standing in a fresh stream of water that washes
the angry feelings away,
etc.
o Do NOT act inappropriately – Imagine a video
camera is recording your
behavior and others will see it. Remember how you
felt as a child if
your parents yelled at or hit you. Remember the
precious being inside
your child, so vulnerable and sweet. Remember that
young children cannot
control themselves very well, that it’s not their
fault they’re
tantrumming or misbehaving, that they are too
young to be manipulative.
Imagine yourself in an angry situation and
visualize handling it calmly
and well.
NEVER hit or scream at or insult a child in anger.
Criticize the
behavior, not the person.
o Prevent angry encounters in the first place –
There is a predictable
quality to many angry interactions. So explain
early on to your kids
what is coming and what you want them to do. Be
organized yourself.
Choose your battles wisely and don’t struggle over
little things. Pay
attention to food and rest (your own as well!).
Separate siblings that
are guaranteed to squabble. Pouring loving energy
into your children
(hard when you’re already exhausted) can make them
less stressful and
draining to manage in the future.
Be credible in your parental power. Do not make
threats you don’t
fulfill. For example, if your kids know that you
won’t tolerate
ridiculous squabbling, they will be less likely to
do it in the first place.
o Intervene early and decisively – Step in quickly
in escalating
interactions. Often one sees relatively feeble
efforts at parental
control building up to an explosive crescendo. If
you do not exceed the
necessary threshold to get your children to act
appropriately, your
intervention will make little difference. Study
the situation a moment
before you react, and then be calm, clear, and
sufficiently powerful.
o Have reality be the consequence, not you –
Create reasonable,
age-appropriate rewards and penalties for child
behavior. 90% of the
time that will do the trick – if not, consult with
your pediatrician, a
therapist, or a parent educator. If you feel like
you’ve got a system
that will regulate child misbehavior, you won’t
feel so frustrated and
helpless: fertile breeding ground for anger.
o Focus on love and kindness – It sounds like a
cliché, but it’s
actually profound: Love is largely a matter of the
will: we can choose
to be loving. And that both puts us in a calmer,
clearer, less irritable
place and tends to elicit more cooperation from
our children. Win-win!
*******
(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist,
Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac.,
is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are
raising a daughter and
son, ages 13 and 16. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D.,
they are the first and
second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide
to Health in Body,
Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by
Penguin. You can see
their website at
www.nurturemom.com or email them with
questions or
comments at
info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal
reply may not
always be possible.)
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