Taking In the Good Stuff
I get to the end of a long day and I feel just
used up and sort of empty . . .
You, like every mother - and many fathers, too -
put out so much during the day that it's easy to
get depleted: more is going out than is coming
back in. And after awhile, it is natural to feel
like you are running on empty.
That's why it's so vital to keep putting back in
your tank. We've written a lot about how to
replenish yourself with good nutrition and
vitamins (all posted on our website). Here, let's
look at how to fill yourself back up emotionally.
The key is to look for positive moments, and then
take an extra few seconds to savor the experience
and let it sink deeply into your emotional memory
banks. It's as simple as that.
This is especially important if a fair amount of
the day to day experiences you're having are
stressful or upsetting -- which is pretty typical
for a parent of young children, even when there
are also lots of wonderful, sweet times with the
kids. Negative experiences get instantly recorded
by the brain to help us survive, leaving a kind of
residue in the mind - an internal mood or
atmosphere that shapes how we feel about life,
other people, and ourselves.
But unless it’s a million-dollar moment, positive
experiences are not recorded in the same way: we
have to hold them in our awareness for some
seconds so that they sink in. Of course, if you do
that consciously a few times each day, those new
positive experiences will gradually build up to
make your mood more positive over time, and help
you be more optimistic and cheerful and happy.
This is also a great way to help all children, but
particularly those whose temperament is either
spirited or anxious. Spirited kids tend to zoom
along so fast they are onto the next thing before
they've registered the positive experience they
just had. And anxious kids especially need the
positive inner resources of reassurance and
encouragement that come from soaking in good
feelings.
OK, so how to do it?
It's incredibly simple. There are four steps, but
these will become very quick and automatic with
just a little practice - and you can adapt them
for your children:
• Notice positive events and then let them become
positive experiences for you. (Even better,
actively look for opportunities to have positive
experiences, such as looking for good things about
yourself, or kindness and respect toward you from
others.)
• Savor the experience. Make it last. Try to feel
it in your body - like sensing a feeling of love
as a warmth filling your whole chest.
• Sense that the positive experience is soaking
into your brain and body - registering deeply in
emotional memory. Maybe imagine a treasure chest
in your heart (an especially good method for
children). Consciously intend for it to really
sink into you.
• For bonus points: Sense that the positive
experience is going down into old hollows and
wounds within you and filling them up and
replacing them with new positive feelings and
views.
Like current experiences of worth replacing old
feelings of shame or inadequacy. Or current
feelings of being cared about and loved replacing
old feelings of rejection, abandonment,
loneliness. Or a current sense of one's own
strength replacing old feelings of weakness,
smallness.
The way to do this is to have the new positive
experience be prominent and in the foreground of
your awareness at the same time that the old pain
or unmet needs are dimly sensed in the background.
The new experiences will gradually replace the old
ones. You will not forget events that happened,
but they will lose their charge and their hold on
you.
* * *
Try those four steps a few times and you'll see
how effective they are. And from about age 3 on,
when you are putting your child to bed, you can
take a minute or two to have the child think about
something happy, and then feel like those good
feelings are sinking in, like water into a sponge,
like sunlight into a shirt, or like jewels going
into a treasure chest.
In sum, this is a profound, far-reaching, and
genuine way to help yourself, or your children. It
literally changes the brain in enormously healthy
ways.
*******
(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a
clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is
an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are
raising a daughter and son, ages 14 and 17. With
Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and
second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide
to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate
Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see
their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them
with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com;
unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be
possible.)
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